The Pea and the Princess

Now, I’m sure we’ve all heard of the classic fairytale, “The Princess and the Pea,” right? Well, no one knows the true story, because no one cares enough to hear how I, the pea, felt about this whole ordeal. I remember the night like it was yesterday; it was after all, the most traumatic experience of my life.

I was resting comfortably in the cupboard with the rest of my family, and we were as comfortable as peas in a pod, you could say. Anyways, back to the story, I was just sitting in the cupboard, minding my own business, when all of the sudden, I’m being picked up and taken away from my family! It was a horrendous thing to happen to one tiny little innocent pea. Next thing I knew, I was lying on a table. I heard people bustling about and I strained my little pea ears to get a listen to the conversation.

“He has to find a wife soon, Reginald,” I heard from someone who I guessed was the queen. (Yes, I lived in a castle. Don’t make a big deal about it.)

“I know, I know,” sighed the king. I presumed they were talking about their son, the prince. I’d heard rumors in the kitchen that the king and queen were searching for a princess suitable to be their beloved son’s wife. I had also heard from the grapevine that the prince was particularly picky about who he wanted to marry. Apparently, she had to be a “real princess,” whatever that meant. I didn’t see why it mattered much, she’d be a real princess once she married the prince, anyways. Eh, whatever, back to the story.

So, as I was sitting on this table and eavesdropping on the king and queen’s conversation, I heard a very loud knocking sound through the castle. Everyone had dropped what they were doing to go and answer the door. I was left alone, sitting on the table, and I tried listening in once more so I’d know what was going on, but I could only hear bits and pieces of what was being said. A few minutes passed by, and I had grown quite bored of trying to keep up with what was going on in the other room, so I tried my best to catch up on some much-needed sleep. Just when I started to drift off, though, I was lifted up and carried to another place. While in the hands of my captor, I caught a glimpse of who I guessed had knocked on the door. It was a short girl in a gigantic pink and poofy dress.

She laughed at something the prince said, a sound I had found quite obnoxious. The queen tapped her lightly on her shoulder and beckoned her to follow, so with the princess in tow, the queen and my pea-napper (the king I assumed) led her to a bedroom. There, stacked on the bed frame, were at least 20 mattresses. There was a tall ladder leading up to the very top mattress, and both the princess and I gawked at the sight.

“So, uh, where will I be sleeping exactly?” asked the princess, her voice sounding a bit hesitant.

“Oh, my dear, you’ll be sleeping up there!” exclaimed the queen, as she pointed to the stack of mattresses.

After the princess recovered from the initial shock of this strange news, she was led to the bathroom to tidy up before bed. With me still in his hand, the king waltzed over to the colossal tower of beds and suddenly thrust the hand holding me under the first mattress.

“What in the world is going on here?!” I thought to myself, as the king opened his hand and dropped me under the heavy mound of beds.

I could feel the weight of all the beds crushing me! I could not breathe and I started to panic. I heard sets of footsteps approach the bed, and I listened again, having to strain my little ears again to decipher what they were saying, since the mattresses were muffling everything. The tower shook above me as the princess climbed the ladder and got settled onto the bed.
“Goodnight,” called out the king and queen, “sleep well.”

“Goodnight your majesties! You two sleep well, too!” the princess exclaimed with excitement.

Now, if it hadn’t been for the bone-crushing weight above me, it might have been quite comfortable. The ability to breathe got easier as I grew accustomed to it, but it was getting quite hot, and I’d desperately wished for arms at that moment.
In the morning, or what I had imagined was morning, I awoke from a restless sleep as I was being pulled out from underneath the mattresses. Once again, I was set on the table next to the bed, as the king and queen woke up the princess.
“How did you sleep?” they asked her as she climbed down the ladder.

“Oh, very well, thank you. That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages,” the princess confessed as she reached the bottom of the ladder.

The king and the queen exchanged a quick look, and led the princess out of the room.

This routine continued on for several days: a princess would knock on the door, and then when it was nightfall I’d be stuck underneath the tower of beds again. Each morning I was pulled from underneath the beds, and each morning the king and queen would ask how the princess slept. It was always the same, mundane answer.

It was excruciating on my part; no one bothered to ask how I had slept. No one seemed to care about the little old pea. By the end of the first week, my insides were starting to get mushy, and I felt very, very ill.

This continued on for a little while longer, until one night, there was a knock at the door. The girl on the doorstep wore a simple, yet elegant dress. She wasn’t decked out in anything extravagant like all the other princesses had been. She chatted with the prince and his family for a bit before the queen announced it was bedtime. “Here we go again,” I thought to myself. I was sure that this time would kill me; my poor little body couldn’t take any more of this abuse. Once again, I was placed underneath the mattresses. My plan was to try and fall asleep as fast as possible, just to get the night over with, but I was pleasantly surprised when I was pulled from underneath the mattress earlier than usual. It was the princess, who had saved me from my own little prison. She lifted me close to her face, and huffed. The princess carried me out the bedroom and down the hall before knocking on a large mahogany door at the very end of it. The queen opened the door, surprised to see it was the princess.

“So sorry to bother you,” the princess stared off with, “but I just couldn’t get to sleep with this little thing digging into my back.”

The queen suddenly let out a whoop of joy, calling her husband to get out of bed and come see. Then the queen rushed down the hall to the prince’s room, tugging him out of bed to see the commotion. Shortly after that, the prince and the princess made plans to get married straight away. Apparently, only “real princesses” could feel a dainty little pea under 20 of the softest mattresses. (Still didn’t understand the whole “real princess” thing, but eh.)

So there, now you know the REAL story of the princess and the pea. I bet none of you ever even considered my feelings while reading the so-called original story, or thought about how it was the most horrifying experience of my LIFE. Well, at least you know the truth now.